Day 2 - Begin Again

 

Today is the second day of my latest effort to lose the weight and stick to the Nutrisystem plan. I originally prepared this blog to document the beginning a new job, but 2 months after being laid off there is no job in sight. Therefore, I am choosing to use this for something positive.

I was awake just before 7 am today and got up just before 7:30. I'd have liked to sleep more but my body said nope, you're awake. Once the cats were fed and I'd been to the bathroom I decided to weigh myself, since I didn't do that yesterday. Well - the number was devastating but not quite unexpected. I am at 278 pounds. When I first started Nutrisystem in 2019 I was at 304 and here I am nearly 5 years later approaching that weight again. I am not happy with myself and I'm glad I'm beginning to take back control.

Yesterday was not the banner day I had laid out for myself on Sunday. Here is how I wanted the day to go:

• get up
• feed cats
• have coffee & breakfast, take vitamin D & E
• get dressed
• go to Walmart
• get mail
• put on sneaks
• get on treadmill
• prepare pizzas for the freezer
• cut up lettuce for salad
• protein shake
• get on treadmill
• have lunch
• get on treadmill
• have afternoon snack
• get on treadmill
• have dinner
• get on treadmill
• have evening snack
• take shower
• do skincare
• brush teeth
• go to bed

Here is how the day actually went:

• get up - yes
• feed cats - yes
• have coffee & breakfast, take vitamin D & E - no vitamins
• get dressed - yes
• go to Walmart - didn't need to
• get mail - no
• put on sneaks - yes
• get on treadmill - yes
• prepare pizzas for the freezer - change of plans
• cut up lettuce for salad - yes
• protein shake - yes
• get on treadmill - no
• have lunch - yes
• get on treadmill - no
• have afternoon snack - no
• get on treadmill - no
• have dinner - yes
• get on treadmill - no
• have evening snack - yes
• take shower - no
• do skincare - no
• brush teeth - no
• go to bed - yes

There are more no's than yes and that is not surprising and not good. It shows just how much work I need to do in order to get into a good routine. It also shows how I set myself up for failure with overly ambitious and completely unreasonable goals. Instead of giving myself credit for the things I accomplish, I agonize over the things I didn't do and then I start with the "why bother" mindset and it's all downhill from there. I know what I need to do in any given day and laying out a "list" doesn't work. Checking the boxes doesn't work for me. I just need to DO IT !

So, as I mentioned, I was up before 7:30, fed the cats and then settled on the couch to have my breakfast. Minnie snoozed on my lap for a little bit but by 9 am she was off to find a long term snoozing spot. I got a second cup of coffee, got dressed and started this post. I also grabbed a yogurt and filled my vitamin container for the week. I took my multivitamin along with vitamin D & E with the remains of my coffee. This is a good start !

I'm going to return to documenting what I eat in one paragraph, with calories. Breakfast was a 180 calorie cinnamon roll with an 80 calorie yogurt. Morning snack was a 155 calorie chocolate shake with peanut butter powder. Lunch was a chef salad and a 240 calorie chicken bacon ranch quesadilla. Afternoon snack was 2 cheese sticks (160 calories) and 10 crackers (120 calories). Dinner was a pizza, estimated at 400 calories.

The predicted high temp for today is 87 and although it's not even 10 am yet, it's already 78 and pretty humid. Thunderstorms are possible around 3 pm and that will bring slightly cooler temps. Friday, Saturday and Sunday have a predicted high of 82, which is great because I will be away. I worry about leaving Minnie alone but I think she will manage for 2 days. I would never leave her alone longer than that. I will leave the windows cracked like I do at night, so they're secure but allow air into the house. I do worry how the strays will manage, but they survived both times I went to Disney. I will leave a lot of extra dry food and water for them and then spoil them Sunday when I get back home. I also plan to give them extra wet food Friday morning to fill up their little bellies.

It's 10 am now and I'm giving myself until 11 to get on the treadmill. I will spend the next hour playing Cookie Jam and watching YouTube. This afternoon I plan to spend some time working on my resume and applying for jobs - a task that I've been avoiding.

Well, it's almost 6:30 pm and I've spent the entire day on the couch, other than the time spent vacuuming the downstairs. It was just too hot to get on the treadmill (84 in the house) and I wasn't motivated to work on my resume or apply for jobs. It got very dark around 5 pm and thunderstorms were predicted, but the storm passed to the west of me. I heard a distant rumble of thunder as it passed. We're having what I would call a "light shower" of rain right now but the skies have brightened and that's the end of today's stormy weather. There is more rain predicted for 1 am or later, but I'll be asleep by then !

I've given some more thought to my nightly pizza. I have one crust left in the open package but I also have a pack of 5 in the freezer. I have one unopened bottle of pizza sauce. I have a just opened 16 ounce bag of shredded mozzarella. I have an unopened package of pepperoni and 5 slices left in an open package. I'm giving up pizza on Thursday, when I use the last crust from the fridge. The open bottle of pizza sauce should be gone or close to being gone. The mozzarella and pepperoni will not be gone, but I can refreeze the cheese and snack on the pepperoni or freeze it too. At 278 pounds it is long past time to stop stuffing my face with garbage. I also need to scale way back on the whipped cream on my evening snack. What started as a little squirt on sugar free jello has become a ridiculous addiction. Tonight I will finish the ice cream in the freezer and starting tomorrow or Thursday I will apply a small amount of whipped cream to my dessert and leave the can of whipped cream in the fridge, instead of carrying it to the living room, just in case I need to add more !

I've done some soul searching and I don't really know why I stopped following Nutrisystem and why I stopped exercising. I was so proud of my weight loss and so happy with the way I looked. The only thing that comes to mind is I was disappointed that my life didn't really change. I was still single and men didn't seem interested in me. I've come to accept that I am not attractive and never will be. I've also accepted that I actually don't want a man in my life. I like doing my own thing. I like having my bed to myself. I would love to have some companionship, but a man in your life means sex .. and I'm not really looking for that. None of these feelings excuse the fact that I've let myself balloon to 278 pounds. Why should I eat myself to death ? I want to get the weight off and get back to living my life in a healthier way. I want to get out and do things, but at this weight it is hard. I was regaining the weight before mom died and it seemed to accelerate after her passing. I carry a lot of guilt about what happened to her. I feel like I let her down when she needed me the most. Now, I am right where I thought I was going to be in late 2018. Fat and unemployed. The only positive in my life right now is I'm financially secure and I have a great family. I'm fortunate to have a home in good shape that I can afford to maintain, along with a car in good shape that I can afford. I really do have a lot more than many others, so there is no pity here. So Thursday will be the last pizza for a while. At some point I may allow myself to have one again. It might be a good reward when I get myself back to 199 pounds. For now, if I want pizza it will be a Nutrisystem pizza. I have a couple of those in the freezer but I don't really enjoy them, so I'm not likely to ever buy them again. 

Tomorrow is rock and roll bingo and I'm planning on getting a healthier meal and ensuring I again bring 1/2 of it home. I'm not going to get shook about a once a week indulgence.

So, how did today's internal checklist go ?

• get up - yes
• feed cats - yes
• have coffee & breakfast, take vitamin D & E - yes
• get dressed - yes
• put on sneaks - no
• get on treadmill - no
• protein shake - yes
• get on treadmill - no
• have lunch - yes
• get on treadmill - no
• have afternoon snack - yes
• get on treadmill - no
• have dinner - yes
• take rest of vitamins - yes
• get on treadmill - no
• have evening snack - yes
• take shower - yes
• do skincare - yes
• brush teeth
• go to bed - yes

 Today had fewer "no" answers but I am not proud to have all no's for exercise. I will give myself a pass because of the extreme heat, but it's going to be cooler tomorrow and there will be NO excuse for not getting on the treadmill at least twice before I go out. Thursday I will need to shop for my weekend excursion (and get the mail!) but will still have plenty of time to exercise. Friday will likely be a pass since I need to make sure I have everything I need packed and make sure the cats have everything they will need. I'll also need to shower and do my hair and makeup and I have to leave the house by 12:15 - so it'll be a busy morning. I'll get plenty of exercise walking around on Saturday and Sunday and be back on the treadmill Monday.

The only person that can take control of my life is me, so I need to buckle down and stop making excuses. I've done good with ignoring the bag of candy in the fridge. I haven't opened the bag of Chex Mix that is left. I feel like I'm ready to let the "bad" food go and get back to following Nutrisystem. I'm thinking about starting to have my meals in the kitchen, instead of on the couch in front of the tv. I don't know that it's necessary as I've never been one who had to snack just because the tv was on. My big problem was taking candy to bed and I've already stopped doing that. I can sit on the couch all day without snacking as long as I keep up with eating what I'm supposed to. I think the lack of protein was fueling my need for carbs, since I was able to eat within the plan yesterday and today without feeling hungry. I never had an urge for candy or carbs.

At this point all I can do is keep trying. If I can do a little better each day, that will be enough. Today I ate according to the Nutrisystem plan, except for the pizza for dinner and finishing the carton of ice cream. I took all my vitamins. I showered and did skin care. These are all positives ! I've also kept up with vacuuming every day. I vacuumed my bedroom and the upstairs hall before I took my shower. I am still seeing a flea here and there so I'm not out of the woods yet. I will treat Minnie again next week and continue to vacuum every day until I am 100% certain they are gone. I really wish I could give her a bath, but I'll have to make do with the flea treatments. When I get home Sunday I will feed all the cats and then vacuum the carpets ! I plan to leave the canned food and bowls all ready to go in the laundry room so that I can feed them right away.

Thursday is August 1st and I still have enough money in my checking to cover August's bills. I shouldn't have to touch my savings until September, which is great ! I have to pay school taxes and sewer/water taxes and that will be about $1200. After that there are no more house bills until property taxes and another sewer/water bill come due in January. If I'm not able to find a job, I may opt to accept being retired and start collecting my pension and social security early in 2025. I really don't want to empty my savings. I still remember when I lived paycheck to paycheck and had to use credit cards to get by. I do not want to ever end up in that position again. I haven't carried a balance on my credit cards since 2021. My last payment was to Discover in January of that year. The last payment on my Mastercard was made in December 2020. The only card I use now is my Chase Visa and I started using that when COVID hit and no one wanted cash. I use it for pretty much everything now but pay the statement balance in full every month. I've accumulated over $1200 is reward points and I plan to use those at Christmas. It's like a little savings account and it comforts me to have it there for an emergency. I may have let my weight and fitness go, but I've never stopped working to improve my financial situation.