Day 27: Hope

 

Here is the link to my original Day 27. It was Wednesday January 30, 2019. My headline that day was "It's Ok To Not Be Perfect". I had come to the realization that I was totally a perfectionist ! Wow. Today was a good day for this reminder and I took the time to reread an article on the subject. There it is in black and white. THIS is why I can't get back on the diet and exercise track. I need to do some reading on this link.

I managed to get up shortly after 8 am today. After feeding the cats and myself I spent some time watching YouTube and scrolling my phone. Just after 10 I checked my email and I had an email from the COO of the company I'm hoping to work for !!! This totally changed my day ! I replied with a day/time I could speak with her (3 pm CST on 9-24) and then made myself another cup of coffee, got dressed and opened some windows to enjoy this beautiful day. That little glimmer of hope changed my day and I now have 10 days to work on my presentation skills !

Breakfast was a 270 calorie breakfast sandwich. Morning snack was a 155 calorie protein shake. Lunch was a 220 calorie pepperoni pizza melt and later a chef salad. 

Last night I again gave in to hunger/temptation and had 6 slices of raisin toast before going to bed. Again, this is why I can't have anything in the house ! I put the rest of the bread back in the freezer. In spite of that, today is another opportunity to do better. As I write this at 10:36 am, I have set a goal to be on the treadmill at noon. My old schedule, before I gave up on myself, was treadmill at noon during my lunch and then again at 5 when I got off work. The goal is to get back to that schedule. Also, in hopes of getting that job, I also need to reset my sleep schedule. I turned my weekday alarm back on for 7 am. 

Is it an omen that today is Friday the 13th ? Perhaps this day will bring me good luck ! I spent some time on LinkedIn today just looking at some posts (not job searching) and it seems like so much of the content is just people bashing the recruiting process and complaining. When did that happen ? LinkedIn was supposed to be for professionals to network and it's morphed nothing more than a toxic social media site full of whiners, complainers and scammers. Most of the messaging I get is people trying to sell their services. Most of the "posts" I see are people whining about the recruiting process and the lack of interviews when they've submitted 100's or thousands of resumes. The assumption is something is wrong with the recruiters or the processes. rather than the person complaining. Maybe you have a crappy resume. Maybe you're not qualified for most of the jobs you're applying to. Maybe you're asking for too much money. Maybe you didn't interview well. Maybe the person doing the recruiting is overwhelmed with applications and interviews and workload in general. Maybe they don't have an efficient system to manage the recruiting process. There are so many variables and at this point, I'm not sure if being ghosted or getting the "thanks but no thanks" email is better. This is why I have to limit my time on the job sites. I can't spend all day every day searching for and applying to jobs. I'm fortunate that I don't need a job urgently and I'm finding that being discerning about the roles I apply for keeps me in a better place mentally. With a possible role at Digital-Direction, I don't feel the urgency to look for and apply to a ton of jobs. I'll continue to check daily and apply to anything I feel qualified for but I'm not going to just apply to everything. In the beginning I was only looking at large well-established companies and wanted a salary equal to what I used to make. I'm coming to the realization that it's not going to happen since many of the large companies are dumping employees and when they hire they want to pay as little as possible. I guess that makes sense ! Applying to Digital-Direction felt right because my former colleague works there and is well thought of. It also helps that they are offering remote roles, while large companies are all in lockstep about returning to office. It's unfortunate, because they're missing out on a lot of great people. The world has changed and people are never going to accept RTO as the only option. Right now I feel hopeful, but if they opt not to hire me I'll likely sink right back into feeling hopeless and depressed.

For the time being I'm going to keep the "hot mess express" graphic, because that is still where I am. I didn't make it to the treadmill at noon but it's 12:42 pm now and I've had my shake, so at 1 pm this fat ass will be off the couch !

Well, I made it off the couch just after 1 and completed a 21m40s workout with a 3 minute warm up and a 3 minute cool down. The app says the workout burned about 125 calories based on my current weight. The warm up and cool down probably burned another 15, so I'm happy with that. By 1:49 I'd had lunch and was back on the couch to write this and watch some YouTube. The goal is still to be back on the treadmill at 5.

I checked my stock of protein shake mix and I have 5 canisters of each flavor, which is basically 5 months worth. I am SO glad I stocked up a while back, since they are no longer running any sales on their products. I always bought it when it was 40% off, so I saved a lot. By the time I need to buy it again I hope to have a job ! If I don't, I may switch to something cheaper that I can buy locally. If I had been following Nutrisystem this stock would have been gone long ago, so I guess I'm lucky !

As I mentioned at the beginning of this blog, my headline for the original Day 27 was "It's ok to not be perfect". This is something I need to keep reminding myself of. I am still falling into the trap of letting the whole day go if fail to do something I set a "goal" for. I'm finding that goals are not a good idea for me right now. I need to just start doing, instead of making lists and schedules and promises. Just do it ! When I open my eyes every day I know exactly what I need to do that day, to be successful with my diet and exercise goals. I don't need  a list. I am again putting so much pressure on myself that some days I feel like a trapped animal. I'm creating my own anxiety for no reason. Didn't shower ? ok. Didn't make the bed ? ok. Didn't take all your vitamins ? ok. Didn't exercise 100 times ? ok. Did the world end ? Did anything bad happen ? Did anything at all happen ? NO. It did not. 

On the AT&T front, the strike continues and the union is giving no indication that they are close to an agreement. I feel bad for the folks on strike, as it's tough to go without a paycheck for all this time. It's been 3 weeks now and that's a lot of money to lose. They do get $300-$400 a week in strike pay, but that is nothing when your salary is close to $100k. If people start going back to work the company will have less motivation to bargain in good faith, so hopefully they are holding the line. 

As of 4 pm, this has been a good day. Evening is when I tend to get in trouble with being hungry, but I know that is because I'm eating erratically and not eating what I should be. Even though it's 4 pm I still need to eat my afternoon snack, dinner and my evening snack. If I skip the snack and go straight to dinner, I'll be hungry later. So the plan is to have my afternoon snack just before my 5 pm workout. I also need to ensure I cook a bag of veggies with my dinner. That also helps keep me full in the evening. Lastly, I need to drink more water. I've really been slacking on that. Simple things .. that's all it takes !

Well, so much for my plans for the day. I completely forgot I had planned an outing with Rich & Barb tomorrow until she texted me about it just after 5 ! That meant I had to go to the store tonight to get mayo & elbows to make my macaroni salad. I have to leave at 11:15 am on Sunday so I'll have to make it tomorrow night when I get home. It's easy enough to boil eggs and cook the pasta. So my evening workout was derailed (by choice!) for a trip to Walmart. I bought a few extra things but nothing sweet ! I bought biscuits in a can because they had 5 packs of them. I get these crazy cravings for biscuits sometimes and a tube of 5 is perfect because I can eat 2 or 3 and throw the extra's in the fridge. I also found corn bread in the can ! I get cravings for that too, so I can bake them up and toss the extra's in the fridge. I also bought some pretzels and Diet Coke. Last item was chicken tenders as I hadn't had dinner and I knew I'd be starving when I got home. I bought 4, planned to eat 2 and ended up eating them all. Oh well. Craving satisfied ! I forgot to buy the most important grocery item .. whipped cream ! I will stop tomorrow or Sunday and pick some up.

Overall it wasn't a bad day. It's a start and I just have to keep moving forward. I pray that my interview on 9-24 goes well and they consider hiring me. I know my life will change again the second I am offered a job. 

One thing that has been keeping me from getting things done is watching YouTube .. and it's only because I'm trying to watch all 16 years of video from letsdig18's channel. I've watched the past 3 years and years 7 through 16. I'm working through year 6 now .. then it's a matter of getting through year 4 & 5 and his most recent video's. His older videos are shorter but he posts just about every day, so there is a ton of content. I think I'll be done sometime next week and then I can get my ass off the couch and start getting some things done. If my interview goes well and they hire me I could be working again sooner than I think.