Day 35: Never Stop Trying (Take 2)

 

Saturday September 21, 2024

Here is the link to my original Day 35. It was  Thursday February 7, 2019. My headline that day was "Never Stop Trying". I was doing good with the diet but I was struggling with exercise. This has been a common theme my entire life ! How I felt today actually mirrored how I was feeling back then, which is what inspired the name of today's blog. I wish I could be one of those gym girlies who jumps out of bed excited about heading off to the gym to sweat and pant. I'll never be that, but I can be the gym girlie I was again. I still have the packet of guides for speed & incline tailored to the length of the workout. Some of my workouts were and hour or more ! I know I can get back there but it's not going to happen overnight. My starting speed used to be 3.2 mph but I am barely doing 2.2 mph now. I know I can get back there but that is also not going to happen overnight. I have a solid year of work ahead of me to get anywhere near where I was. The sooner I accept that, the sooner I can begin to make real progress. I'm getting there. I already accepted that 2.2 mph is all I can handle at this time. When I start part 2 of the Road to Recovery series, I'm going to try increasing from 2.2 to 2.4 mph. I have to challenge myself and if I find I can't do it, I can just go back to 2.2 and then try again when I start part 3. There are 6 parts to this series, so that is 120 workouts. My stretch goal would be to be able to go 3.2 mph when I start part 6, which is workout 100 in the series. This is a VERY aggressive goal, so I'm prepared to scale it back and shoot for 2.7 when I start part 6. We'll see how it goes !

Breakfast was a 270 calorie breakfast sandwich. Morning snack was a 155 calorie chocolate shake with peanut butter powder. Lunch was a 220 calorie pepperoni pizza melt and a chef salad. Afternoon snack was 80 calorie cottage cheese and 120 calorie mandarin oranges. Dinner was a 250 calorie chicken enchilada with brussel sprouts. Evening snack was a 140 calorie chocolate cupcake.

I was awake at 7:50 but didn't want to get up. I fell asleep with my phone playing TikTok video's and woke up around 2 am to shut that off. I got up around 8:15 as I had to pee and I knew if I went back to sleep I'd wake up feeling like a truck ran over me. I had 5 cats waiting outside for their canned food ! The older orange/white male pops in now and again and he was out there today. His orange/white mate was out there yesterday looking for a snack. Two of his offspring were part of the group, along with the usual 2 females, one who is pregnant and one who is nursing 5 kittens. I haven't seen the kittens recently so I hope they're ok.

As is my usual, I hopped on the couch with my coffee & breakfast sandwich to watch some YouTube. I finished up yesterday's blog and posted it. It makes more sense to post my previous day's blog in the morning, so I'm going to start doing that if I don't get around to posting it before bed. I usually get to a point in the evening where I'm too tired and end up not finishing and posting it.

I didn't get to the laundry or dishes yesterday (lazy) so that is on the agenda for today. At least one workout is on the agenda as well. I'd also like to get in a session on the Total Gym. I need to get my leg strength back as I think it will help with my hip pain, which has been better the past couple of days. Walking on the treadmill and sitting less really helps !

In yesterday's blog I talked about embracing feeling hungry. I'm doing really well with that and it's a huge step towards getting this weight back off. It wasn't that long ago that I felt like I couldn't get to sleep if I was "hungry". What I'm doing is embracing hunger during the day by not worrying about eating on a schedule. It was nearly 5 pm when I had "lunch" yesterday and around 8 pm when I had dinner. By eating later in the day I avoided bedtime hunger. Was I "thinking" about eating something when I went to bed ? Yes ! I was ! The difference is the urge wasn't as strong because I actually wasn't hungry. The way I see it, if my stomach isn't growling, I'm not really hungry. I had eaten plenty so I wasn't starving. I was more than likely thirsty as I'm still not drinking enough water. 

Another topic I want to explore is emotional eating. I've been overweight most of my life and I can't really attach a specific reason to it. I suspect feeling unloved is part of it. My parents were not demonstrative and I believe my mother struggled with depression her entire life. Her alcoholic parents and horrible sister may have had a lot to do with that. I now wonder if perhaps she felt unloved, despite having a husband, 4 children and 2 grandchildren. It's not uncommon to be surrounded by people yet feel completely alone. I know that all too well ! After I lost the weight I had hope a man might take interest in me, and that never happened. That may be part of the reason I didn't care as I started gaining the weight back. Food still made me happy ! I guess I thought my life would change when I lost the weight and when it didn't, I just gave up. In hindsight, that was obviously a dumb move as I'm even more unhappy now ! I'd rather be thin and lonely instead of fat and lonely ! I need to get my emotions in check if I want to succeed here. It's not all bad news, despite the fact I haven't lost any weight. I don't have candy or other junk in the house. I'm not eating in bed. I'm trying ! This is the most important thing. Just the fact that I'm trying is a huge step forward. I'm also being careful not to try and change everything in one day. I can't just morph into the perfect day. I love my lists but when I make a list of everything I need or want to do on a daily basis, it becomes overwhelming. Checking the boxes is even worse because I tend to focus on what I didn't do, instead of what I did do ! Here is everything I'd like to do in a "perfect" day, with check marks for today:

Make the bed - x

feed cats - x

have breakfast - x

take vitamins

get dressed - x

exercise - x

have morning snack - x

exercise - x

have lunch - x

exercise - x

have afternoon snack - x

have dinner - x

exercise (treadmill or Total Gym)

have evening snack - x

shower

skincare

brush teeth

Is there anything stopping me from doing all of this ? Absolutely not. Hmm, maybe I should issue myself a challenge to do this one of these days. Maybe once a week ? That might work ! If I do get a job the structure of my day will change dramatically and I'm ok with that. It might actually help me get back on track. Hopefully my interview on Tuesday goes well and they decide to hire me. Even if the pay sucks I can get some experience and look for a better opportunity down the road. 

So, challenge accepted. It's not quite 2 pm and I got dressed, made the bed, exercised, had my morning snack, exercised, had part of my lunch and took some of my vitamins. I will take the rest next time I eat. First workout was 14m24s and the second was 15m17s. Both included a 3 minute warm up and a 4 minute cool down. I started to write that this is not a routine I can repeat every single day  if I get a job. However, the only thing I can see taking out is one workout. I can get a quick workout in before work, one during lunch and one after work. If I really try, I could also get a quick session on the Total Gym but I feel like expecting that of myself is way too much. If I'm learning a new job I may be working extra hours to get up to speed, and that would need to come first for a while. One thing to note, the workouts get longer as the series progresses, so that could effect my ability to maintain the higher speeds. I won't know unless I try and part 2 is only 5 workouts away, so I'll find out soon enough ! After my second workout I parked on the couch watching YouTube and scrolling my phone. When 7 pm rolled around I was about to give up on exercise for the day. I thought about kicking my shoes off but I stopped myself. I was either going to get on the treadmill or the Total Gym. I opted for the treadmill and completed 13m19s. My total treadmill time today was exactly 43 minutes plus 9 minutes of warm up and 12 minutes of cool down, for a grand total of 64 minutes ! Wow - I haven't put in that much time on the treadmill in several years !

Today turned out to be another beautiful sunny day. It was 79 degrees as of 2 pm. I am going to miss these sunny warm days ! I've noticed it's getting dark so much earlier now. It's 7:41 now and it's already dark. We turn the clocks back November 3rd, which means darker mornings and a little bit more daylight in the evening. I used to hate December because it would be dark when I went to work and dark when I came home. The great part about working from home is it doesn't matter and I don't have to worry about the snow. Winter used to bring me nothing but anxiety and I always used up vacation days to avoid driving to the office when a lot of snow was coming. For now, I'm going to enjoy the nice weather !