Day 49: Reflecting

 

Saturday October 5, 2024

Here is the link to my original Day 49. It was  Thursday February 21, 2019. My headline that day was "The Gift of Today". It was inspired by this quote “There’s a lot that is good in your life – don’t take it for granted. Don’t get so focused on the struggles that you miss the gift of today.” It was inspired by the struggles in my own life and a fatal car accident that Coach Jim Boeheim was involved in. Life really is fleeting and you have to do what you can to make the best of it. I wasted the best years of my life with Alex and I wasted too many years being fat. I didn't expect to find myself widowed and unemployed at the age of 62. I often wonder what my life would look like if I'd had children. Considering what I went through with Alex, it would not have been good. I can't imagine trying to raise children in that environment, considering the financial struggles. If we'd had children they would be adults now. I can't change what has already happened, so my only choice is to enjoy the time I have left on this earth. I might spend it alone, but my life is better than many others. I had thought it would be nice to find a widowed or divorced man with adult children to spend time with, but that will likely never happen. I would never trust a man enough to get married again, unless he happened to be wealthy and didn't care what I have or don't have. I guess it will happen if it's meant to be. Anyhow, on the original day 49 I was still fighting a cold and not exercising, but I was sticking to the Nutrisystem program.

I woke up for the first time at 7 am today but I was still tired and wanted to sleep more. I woke again at 9 am and got up feeling refreshed, so I guess I needed the sleep ! After I fed the cats I got dressed and put my mum's back outside. I had brought them in last night as the wind came up around 9 pm when a little bit of rain moved in. We didn't end up getting much rain but I was afraid if the wind continued they would blow away. By 11 am I had made the bed and cleaned some of the upstairs bathroom before putting on my shoes & socks and settling in with another cup of coffee to start this blog and enjoy some YouTube and Cookie Jam. The plan was to hit the treadmill at noon. The shake I made yesterday is waiting for me !

Breakfast was 160 calorie waffles with sugar free syrup and much later, an 80 calorie yogurt. Morning snack was a vanilla shake with peanut butter powder. Lunch was the usual pepperoni pizza melt with a chef salad. Afternoon snack was an 80 calorie cheese stick and some pretzels, since I am out of crackers. I actually had this after my evening snack because I was hungry. Dinner was 220 calorie rotini with meatballs and carrots. Evening snack was a chocolate cupcake with whipped cream. 

I named this post "Reflecting" as I've had some time to think about the 2 days I spent fighting for first place in the Cookie Jam challenge. I'm sitting here right now, at 11:39 am, thinking about competition and it's effects. This quote stopped me in my tracks:  "competition makes people constantly compare themselves and look to others for approval. This constant comparison and search for validation is unhealthy and can lead to a negative self-image and worsened self-esteem". Wow. This is me. I have always compared myself to others and always look to others for approval. I definitely have a negative self-image and poor self-esteem. The article I found offers some tips:

Tip #1: Reflect on your insecurities and find ways to manage them

Those who reflect on their insecurities can examine how competitions may impact their self-image and can make informed decisions when deciding which competitions to participate in. 

Tip #2: Look at the progress made

It’s easy to get caught up in competition and forget the mountains summited and gains achieved. Looking at the progress one has already made can help alleviate some of the stress associated with competition and boost confidence.  

Tip #3: Focus on your strengths 

Focusing on one’s strengths rather than weaknesses can help competitors better focus on how to reach their goals.

Tip #4: Instead of trying to be the best, focus on doing the best

Turning competition on its head and trying one’s best can be a better source of motivation than trying to outperform others. This can also help improve self-esteem, eliminating the need to compare oneself to others. 

Competition will always be a part of life and business, so learning how to engage with it healthily is important. If competition becomes increasingly stressful or is negatively impacting mental health, perhaps it is time to take a step back, go through Schluger’s tips, and find a way forward that is healthy and productive.

So I spent 2 days chasing a challenge on an online game that actually didn't give much in the way of rewards. I have 57 days of free lives, so the couple hours of free lives and time limited power ups that I "won" really meant nothing. I gain the same things just playing the game at my own pace. However, I was bound and determined that "Barbara" was not going to beat me. It was 100% about beating some stranger, not about any perceived rewards from the game. I play the game to pass the time and keep my mind active. I am going to work hard not to repeat this stupidity. This is not the first time my competitive nature reared its ugly head. I stopped playing a Harry Potter game (that I really enjoyed) because someone else made it super competitive. I had achieved the top spot on my team and suddenly a Facebook friend of mine joined the team and took over the top spot. I was really upset and ended up unfriending and blocking her. I changed teams and then ended up deleting the game. It really upset me because I started playing the game at release and wasn't consciously competing to reach the top spot. I just happened to play more than my teammates and ended up there. Here is the problem with that: once you reach the top you want to stay there. That's what started the unhealthy competition that ultimately led me to delete the game. I was working and I believe I was spending way too much time playing the game in order to maintain that top spot. I'm sure I will come across my posts about it as this blog progresses. It always upsets me when others infringe on my achievements, so when it comes to online games I tend to stop playing if the game becomes too competitive. I've done that with several slot games. I mainly stopped playing the slot games because I was spending all my time chasing coins to use for minimal game time. Obviously, they want you to buy coins but I will never spend real money on these games. I did it with Farmville and (years ago) Pogo, but I'll never do it again. None of the games I play have paid tiers but they all sell power ups and coins. Yesterday as I was fighting to keep first place I thought about buying power ups, because I had used all the coins I had accumulated and I was close to running out of all the power ups I had accumulated. I was that desperate to win ! Playing the game today was so much more fun, because I wasn't stressed out about winning on the first try. Going forward, I am NOT going to chase the top spot. I'm just going to play and try hard to "ignore" my place in any challenge. I feel like history has repeated itself because I was never striving to win any of the challenges. It just happened because I play a lot. Did I learn anything from this experience ? Well, maybe. If nothing else it's given me some insight as to why my life may have unfolded the way it has. Is it too late to change ? I don't know. It seems like I "change" but then eventually repeat the same mistake. All I can do is keep trying. The only good competition I can think of is the desire to lose weight. Back in 2018 I started thinking about losing weight for many reasons, but one of them was the fact that Michelle was on Medifast and losing some weight ! I am ashamed to say I didn't want to be "the fattest one" in the family, so that was my motivation. She ended up gaining back all the weight plus some, while I was losing it on Nutrisystem. History repeated itself a couple weeks ago when I found out Michelle was on Ozempic and had lost 40 pounds. I'm happy she is losing weight, but it also kicked my desire to lose weight into overdrive. She was part of my motivation the first time around and again the second time around ! Of course, I can never tell her that, but I will take whatever motivation I can get. I'm not proud of this and I wonder what this says about me as a person. The article I cited above has this to say: "when competition is the main source of people’s motivation, they are no longer motivated when the competition ends". True .. even as I started regaining the weight Michelle was always larger than me. Again, not sure what that says about me as a person and I'm not proud of this. I do hope that both of us are successful in losing the weight and keeping it off. My only concern for her is the side effects of the weight loss drugs and the ability to keep the weight off if you stop taking the drugs.

In sad news, Florida is facing another hurricane in the coming week. Considering people are already rebuilding from the last one, I hope they don't end up getting flooded again ! Well over 100 people lost their lives during the last hurricane, which is so, so sad. In weird news, Trump and Elon Musk are appearing at a rally today .. on the site of the assassination attempt in Pennsylvania. Who knew Elon was a Trumper !?!? I hope to wake up on November 6 shocked to find out Trump one .. just like I did in 2016 !

Sometime after 1 pm I was headed for the treadmill but got sidetracked. I grabbed the empty food bowls off the back stoop and decided to sneak over and see if there were any kittens inside the cat shelter I have out in the trees. There was not, though I saw one of the strays with one of her kittens over by the maple tree. Of course, they ran off. While I was out there, I decided to cut down the lilac tree that was leaning so bad I had to prop it up to keep it from laying on the roof of the cat shelter. I ended up cutting all the dead & dying lilacs that were hanging over the sidewalk that runs along the garage. It looks SO much nicer now ! I also moved the shelter back so that it's directly behind the rhododendron and sheltered from wind, rain and snow. When I look out the back door you can't even see it, so it's also not visible from the street. Animals have definitely been in the shelter, so I'm glad it is getting some use. I came back inside shortly after 2 pm, gave Minnie her lunch and sat down to have my pepperoni melt. I reset my exercise goal for 3 pm. Trimming those trees and checking on the shelter are 2 of those little tasks that have been hanging around for well over a year, so I'm glad I can cross them off the list.

I think I've mentioned that I'm working on watching all 16 years worth of video's on the letsdig18 channel. Today I finally reached year 4, so I've watched years 5 through 16 ! I believe I've watched years 1 through 3, so I should be able to catch up on the current video's soon. Once I have seen them all I'm going to treat myself to a t-shirt or hoodie from his channel shop. It's kind of weird to basically watch someone grow up via YouTube. He was a typical cocky 20 year old when he started. A couple video's had racial overtones (immature Southern boy) and I hope no one ever calls him out on those. I think my next challenge will be to watch all the video's on the Sheepishly Me channel. I'm not sure how far back her video's go - hopefully not 16 years ! The only other channel where I've watched all the video's is 10th Gen Dairyman. I still remember how painfully awkward he was in the beginning and it's been cool to watch him grow and become more confident. He was already married at the start and has 3 kids now. You don't see his wife and kids in the video's these days, which I can respect. He shares the workings of the farm and keeps his personal life private.

I made it to the treadmill just after 3 pm. I'm continuing to do the Hauru Beach Walk, which is 20 minutes of intervals. The treadmill indicates I burn 130 calories during this workout, along with 16 for the warm up and 21 for the cool down. That's a total calorie burn of 167 for 27 minutes of work. My heart rate peaked at 147, which is well within my 164-165 range. I feel like I acclimated to the workout a little better today and I wasn't quite so breathless after the first couple of intervals. I did work up a sweat, which is an indication that I'm working hard ! I'm going to do a Road to Recovery workout later. I may not get 3 workouts in today, but 2 would be great ! I definitely exerted myself some to do the tree trimming, so that counts ! I found an old excel spreadsheet that listed my workouts each day back in 2019. Turns out I only did the Hauru Beach Walk for a short time and then switched to the Lafayette Beach Walk on March 9, which was Day 65. These workouts were part of the same series, which is no longer found on iFit. I can access the workouts only because I made them a favorite. For my current journey, day 65 would be Monday October 21. The Lafayette Beach Walk is 30 second intervals at 2.7 and 3 mph. I'm going to keep doing the Hauru Beach Walk through 10-20 and I've scheduled the Lafayette Beach Walk for 10-21. My record indicates I only did this workout for a short time and then moved up to the Atlas Mountains Walk on April 6, which was Day 93.  That would be 11-18 on my current journey, so I also scheduled this workout to keep me on the same track ! From here I moved on to the Safari Endurance Hike on May 25. That would have been day 142, which will be January 6, 2025. I can't schedule anything that far ahead on iFit, so I'll have to circle back to this ! I'm so glad I was able to find this document, because I'm trying to repeat the progression in my exercise program.

I was able to motivate myself back onto the treadmill just before 6:30 ! I completed a 22m50s workout in the Road to Recovery part 2 series. That puts my workout total at 42m50s plus 14m of warm up/cool down for a total of 56m50s ! The goal for tomorrow is 2 workouts again, though 3 would be amazing !

I still haven't figured out the self-care part of this journey. I am still letting it get too late into the evening and then I'm tired and don't want to shower. Tomorrow I am going to shower after I get and feed the cats. Then I'll have breakfast. We'll see if that works ! 

The forecast indicates it's going to be a chilly 44 degrees tonight and the week ahead looks to be more of the same. I am really trying to keep the heat off, but I'm not sure how long I'll be able to do that with daytime temps in the 50's. 

Below is what I achieved today. I am focusing on what I do each day, and not looking back to what I did or didn't do any other day.

Make the bed - x

feed cats - x

have breakfast - x

get dressed - x

exercise - x

clean litter boxes - 

take vitamins - 

have morning snack - x

have lunch - x

have afternoon snack - x

have dinner - x

have evening snack - x

shower - 

skincare - 

brush teeth -