Day 76 through 82: Deeply Concerned

 

I've fallen into that dark place again, thanks to my digestive issues. I'm continuing to struggle with abdominal discomfort. It feels mostly like trapped gas and resolves when I am up and moving around. I'm still seeing blood in my stool here and there but it's not a constant thing. Typically a first thing in the morning and not every day. Could that be hemorrhoids ? IBS ? Cholitis ? Cancer ? I'm not sure. I will seek medical attention in January. I'm not going to start anything now and potentially ruin the holidays or have to pay a huge deductible in 2024 and 2025. Is it a coincidence that these issues started after I bought the yoga pillow to sit on ? Once I was laid off I sat on it all day every day for months and I am continuing to sit on it !

That being said, much of what is going on is mental. I am filled with fear and I've let it derail everything I was doing to get back on track and lose weight. Maybe I should take the struggle to lose weight as a good sign that it's not cancer ? Today is Thursday and I'm having everyone for dinner on Sunday, so I have so much to do in the next couple days. I have to clean the entire house, decorate for Christmas, shop for ingredients and then cook. I'm working on the cleaning aspect today and tomorrow I will shop and decorate for Christmas. Saturday will be devoted to cooking and continuing with cleaning, if needed, and finishing up decorating.

I haven't been exercising and I plan to try going back to that on Monday 11-11, once the dinner is out of the way. It's not like I feel sick. I'm just depressed and scared. I'm not actively looking for a job and have really decided to just retire. In the new year I'll look at my financial options as far as far as social security, my pension, my IRA and unemployment go. If I have cancer and will die soon, the money won't really matter.

The past week or so hasn't been awful. I've spent my days watching tv or playing Cookie Jam. I go to rock & roll bingo on Wednesday and have a great time. Last night was so much fun and I felt fine the entire evening. This past Saturday Rich & Barb invited me to go on a road trip around Conesus Lake and that was fun. We visited a winery and had lunch at a brewery. I had an awesome burger with poutine as my side. It was delicious ! Again - felt fine the entire day. 

I've read a lot about blood and mucus in the stool and there are many non-cancer related things that could be going on. Hemorrhoids can cause this, but that wouldn't explain the upper left quadrant pain. So I go back and forth between saying this is NOT cancer and that it could be. The emotional toll is high but unless I become severely ill, I am holding off until the new year. Did the ibuprofen set off something ? Did all the vitamins inflame my gut ? Is the cushion and the position I sat in for weeks on end part of the problem ? I really wish I had a recliner or more comfortable couch. 

Below is what I achieved today. I am focusing on what I do each day, and not looking back to what I did or didn't do any other day. I hope that one day soon I won't need a checklist to ensure I do all of these everyday tasks !   

Make the bed - 

feed cats - 

have breakfast - 

get dressed - 

exercise - 

clean litter boxes - 

have morning snack - 

have lunch - 

have afternoon snack - 

have dinner - 

have evening snack - 

shower - 

skincare - 

brush teeth -